Saturday, December 09, 2006

Boys... and Definitions

First of all, it's Saturday! Can I get a woo-hoo?

As the new Saturday Buzz Girl... I've decided to concentrate on a very weekend subject... ahem... Boys.

So, here's the question I'm throwing out this week...

How do you know when it's time to do the dreaded DTR (Defining The Relationship) talk?

You go from going on a date, to "seeing" each other, to "dating" right? So when does he like, become your boyfriend? This has always puzzled me and maybe because I'm a dictionary fan, I always try to find a definition of what we *are*.

But the not-so-simple act of having the DTR can be disastrous. What if he thinks you are just seeing each other? What if he has no time for a girlfriend but wants to "date" you? Does this mean you should also date other people? Does this mean there is no future? Does this mean maybe you shouldn't like him so much because you're going to get your heart handed back to you via text message?

If you start the DTR talk, there is no turning back. You can't suck the words back into your mouth and pretend you were mumbling to yourself about whether or not to watch Family Guy. To attempt the DTR is to go the distance and quite possibly get yourself stomped.

But not to do the DTR talk? Also disastrous. What if you are thinking one thing about your dating status, and he is totally on another page?

Example: You think you're his girlfriend, then you see him having coffee with a pretty girl. He thinks you're "casually dating" so when you go a little bananas he doesn't get it...

See what I mean?

So, that is the question... when should you have the dreaded DTR?


Heather Davis
NEVER CRY WEREWOLF
Coming in 2008 from HarperCollins

7 comments:

TinaFerraro said...

Yeah, Heather, the DTR is a tough call. I only got it right once...and actually, it was the guy who brought it up with me. Turns out he was the one I'd marry, and he defined the rules our relationship from the first date (!), but I should probably add that we'd been co-workers for almost 2 years by that point, so we weren't exactly strangers.

I'm interested in hearing others' experiences with this touchy subject!

Tina

Diana Peterfreund said...

Like Tina, I haven't really had a lot of experience in this subject, but every time I've had "the talk" it's been a few dates into the relationship, and it pretty much goes, "I don't want to see anyone else. You?" "I don't want to see anyone else either." I feel lucky that I never got involved with anyone who didn't agree when we got to that point. My fiance did it in a really sneaky, Cyrano de Bergerac way back when we first started dating. If you get a few drinks in me soemtime, I might even tell you. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Y'know what's funny? My husband and I never had the DTR talk? During the course of our relationship--and initial courtship--we talked about a lot of stuff: marriage, kids, religious beliefs, etc. When we met on Matchmaker.com, I pretty much put it all out there on my profile: this is what I want, this is what I'm looking for, so don't bother to contact me if you don't feel the same way.

We went on a cruise together--a first for both of us--8 months into the relationship. I didn't tell my parents about him until 3 months into the relationship because I wanted to be sure about him.

There was never a defining moment where we sat down and said, "So, where are we going with this?" Even though I wanted to, I never got up the nerve to ask him (it took me a good long while to get up the nerve to ask him why he was taking so long to "ask me". Y'know the big question? After 5 1/2 yrs of being together, we got married 3 months ago).

4 months into the relationship, I just...knew. He was the real deal and he was going to be around for the long haul.

stephhale said...

Ooh, I've never had the talk. Maybe that's why I got cheated on so much before I met my hubby. ha!
And with him, we just knew. I know that is super-lame, but it's true. My heart and my head both knew that he was it.
xo,
Steph
ps- Was the example your computer guy already having coffee with some pretty girl? If so, get out of Dodge quick, he's got girl ADD. :)

Marley Gibson said...

Wow...I never had the chat either. I guess I was always afraid that I'd get the breaking up chat that I didn't want to rock the boat. I dated my husband for two years and was shocked when he proposed 'cause we'd never talked about it. Sure, I'd hoped, but I didn't assume. So, I'm afraid I've escaped the DTR.

Marley = )
http://www.marleygibson.com

Heather Davis Koenig said...

Okay guys,

But have you written the DTR talk? I think I have... you know the part where the heroine begins to realize that they are more than friends? Or maybe that is just something we write as internal monologue more than dialogue?

Maybe the DTR is just a naturally occuring phenomenon... :)

Simone Elkeles said...

I actually ignore the DTR talk and make him bring it up. Unless I'm crazy in love and then I try and do it, but then it's scary because you care SO much what the outcome of that talk is.

I remember the moment my high school boyfriend told me he still wanted to date even though I was going out of the state for college. He told me he didn't want to break up, he loved me and wanted to make it work. He had the DTR talk behind the grocery store he worked at while we leaned against his yellow Volkswagon bug (which we spray painted black a year later)

Okay, so the relationship didn't work out in the end. But it was a great talk.

~Simone Elkeles
How to Ruin a Summer Vacation, in bookstores NOW!