Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Wanted: A New Joke

A while back, I read a magazine article (about charm or social graces or something) that said you should know one surefire joke really well. One that you know perfectly, don't forget the punchline halfway through, and end up babbling an explanation that is beyond not funny anymore. After I read that, I searched some joke sites and found this gem:

Three guys are out for breakfast with their sweethearts and they are all trying to top each other. The first guy looks at his girl and says “Pass the honey, honey.” The second guy turns to his date “Pass the sugar, sweetie.” The third guy, not wanting to be outdone but running out of options says “Pass the bacon, pig.”

I've used that joke for a while, though. I think it might be time to retire it and find a new one. That's where you come in. Tell me your favorite or funniest joke. (Clean jokes only, please.)

Whichever one tickles my fancy the most will earn the teller a shiny new copy of the OH. MY. GODS. paperback that came out last week. (Or, if you already have OMG, then a reserved copy of GODDESS BOOT CAMP, due out next month.)

Okay, now. Make me laugh. (No pressure.)


OH. MY. GODS. (now in paperback!)
GODDESS BOOT CAMP (coming June 2009)


Llehn said...

OK. I heard this one the other day:

Three rowdy guys walked into a bar, yelling "YEAH, we got it done in a 138 days!! Wooo hoo!! Drinks are on us!"
Out of curiosity, the bartender asks "Why are you so happy and what did you do in 138 days that is amazing?"
One of the guys replied, "Well, we got this here puzzle done in 138 days when on the side of the box it says '3-5 years.'"


The Golfing Librarian said...

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

The Golfing Librarian said...

Two golfers were walking down the fairway when a funeral procession drove by on a nearby street. The first golfer took off his hat and bowed his head as the funeral went by. The second golfer did the same, not wanting to look uncaring. After the procession had passed, the second golfer said to the first, "Gee, you impressed me. I didn't know you were so considerate." To which the first golfer replied, "We were married for 35 years. It was the least I could do!"

Marley Gibson said...

Love the jokes!!! You guys are cracking me up!! = )

Lenore Appelhans said...

I love these! My favorite is still:

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

MarjoleinBookBlog said...

This one came to mind..

trrrrring triiiing (office phone rings)
''goodmorning Tax office, can I help you?''
''yes, goodmorning, I would like to speak to Mr Ali Baba please..''
''I am sorry Sir, I am sure there doesn't work anyone named Ali Baba here''
'' oh..hmm I see..well then give me one of that other 40 thieves! ''

Elizabeth Encarnacion said...

I tend to forget jokes, so I like to keep them short:

Why do cowboys like dachshunds?

They want to get a long, little doggie.

emausten (at) aol (dot) com

Cyndi said...

This is kind of a lame joke, but I like it. :D

A man woke up one morning and sat down at his kitchen table to read the morning paper. He noticed that there was a contest for the best puns and wanted to enter. So he thought up ten puns and sent it in, just in case one of the ten was picked. A few days later, he got a reply letter saying, "Sorry, no pun inTENded!"


Meredith said...

One of my best friends and I would constantly start these two jokes to each other and finish it at the same time together. We shared a science teacher who loved making lame jokes. He had 2 in particular that he told our two classes.

The first is:

What's green and has wheels?

Grass! I lied about the wheels!!

The second one is:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead!!

It was the funniest thing when we would do that in the hallways at church during mutual activities. I miss her alot (she died a month before turning 18) and will think of these jokes to make me laugh and think of the good times we had.

~Meredith F.
rosesaremyfavorite at hotmail dot com

TinaFerraro said...

Great fun, Tera, and I'm excited to see who you pick as the winner!

sarah said...

"man walks into a bar...

the next man ducks."

Cheesy, I know.

Anonymous said...

Here's one that's fairly easy to remember.

When his son complains about reading the father says, When he was your age Abraham Lincoln read by firelight."
The son replies," When he was your age Lincoln was president."

K@!0t! said...

This is, like, the best joke ever. I love it:
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.